Helping Your Kids Through Divorce, Together
Divorce is not just a couple’s issue; it’s a family matter. While the couple might have seen it coming and prepared themselves emotionally, children often feel completely blindsided. It’s a tough situation to shield them from completely, but you can make it a bit easier for them by guiding them through the process thoughtfully.
To start, always be respectful towards your spouse in front of the kids. Avoid speaking negatively about your partner within their earshot. This kind of behavior teaches them how to handle difficult situations they might face in the future.
Traditional divorces, with court battles over custody and support, can bring out the worst in people. Kids can pick up on this tension, affecting their sense of security. How you handle yourselves during the divorce will impact how they adjust to life in two homes.
Collaborative Divorce is a less confrontational alternative. This out-of-court process allows you to negotiate important family issues calmly and rationally. By focusing on creating a positive future for yourselves and the kids, you can help them navigate one of the most challenging events they’ll face.
Kids are always watching, especially during tough times. It’s crucial to show them that you can handle the situation gracefully. This doesn’t just mean telling them you still care for each other, but also showing it through respectful and courteous interactions. Managing conflict in a calm way teaches them essential life skills.
Dr. Jann Blackstone, a former child custody mediator, emphasizes the importance of both parents working together for the child’s sake. She often reminds parents that their child deserves to have a relationship with both parents. It’s up to both of you to make this as easy as possible for your kids.
Here are some ways to help your kids through your divorce:
1. Explain the Situation Calmly Together: How much detail you share will depend on their age, but don’t wait until the last minute. Kids need time to digest the information. Sit down as a family and talk things through using simple language. Be prepared to revisit the conversation as needed.
2. Share Only What’s Needed: Avoid overloading your kids with information they didn’t ask for. Set boundaries if they inquire about adult issues, like why you’re separating. Encourage them to ask questions, but remind them that some topics are adult matters.
3. Support Adult Children Too: Even adult children can be deeply affected by their parents’ divorce. Don’t expect them to just “get over it.” Avoid pressuring them to pick sides and don’t use them as confidants. They deserve to maintain a relationship with both parents.
4. Outline and Update on the Progress: Keep your kids in the loop about how the divorce will proceed. Younger kids might have friends who’ve gone through parental splits, which can worry them. Reassure them that you aim for a smoother process. If you’re doing a Collaborative Divorce, inform them that you’ll make decisions about their future together, without needing a judge to decide.
Ultimately, you want your divorce to be as smooth as possible for your kids. A Collaborative Divorce helps by keeping the focus on their well-being. If you want to learn more about this approach, consider exploring additional resources.